The angst I am going through is so deep. I am feeling so isolated and lonely and tired, exhausted depressed, scared, angry, just a bag of [censored] of emotions as I try to work through all that I am going through in caring for my dad.
He woke up a bit angry this morning. I feel his angst, his depression, his anger and I think I have finally let it in, I’ve let it in my soul. Ever since our scare at the end of February, the reality of his death is just sinking into my every bone and it is sad, scary and lonely all at once. I pray a lot, but not enough. I notice that when I finish praying, my load seems lighter and it is as if Jesus is guiding me without me even knowing it. He guided me to the book store to get the book titled “Deathing” a book referred to me by my friend and minister. Apparently she walked her sister to the other side, and even though I’ve walked my mama over to the other side, I just don’t know how I survived. I question whether I am going to survive this whole ordeal? I think having to bury Joe’s (my fiance) mom last week also took its toll on me as well. I thought I was stronger than this? Where is my strength and my faith?
I am trying hard to fight this thing, but then again, I know not to resist emotions, this only gives what you are avoiding or trying to suppress more power. OK, while I ride this wave, if it is even a wave at all, I feel desperate. No amount of talking to anybody is going to help me get through this. I’ve tried. I’ve talked with my Auntie, which, seems only makes me feel worse with all her judgments of my dad and my “male identified” self as she so asserts. It hurts to be judged. I need to stop judging my father. Why can’t the both of us just BE with what is happening? He is just so hard to just BE with. He is sad, lonely, and emotionally unavailable and he doesn’t like any of the documentaries I suggest nor will he allow for me to put on any soothing music, he just wants to sit there and stare (or watch movies). I feel him so distant yet so needy.
Dear Lord Jesus, God in Heaven Mother Earth, Mother Mary,
HELP ME! Please I ask of every part of my being to walk us through this. We don’t know what we are going through, but it is so difficult. I want so badly to make him at ease, to help him, to give him love, to just BE THERE and allow peace and love to penetrate our hearts and souls. But with my dad living a life of being seriously, seriously clinically depressed for years and years and relying on anti-anxiety pills for so long, how can this be an easy transition? He turned to alcohol a lot, which led to his broken collar bone and broken ribs in September/October. I do feel Lord as if I can’t take it anymore. Please, I know through all my readings and faith and love, that YOU can help me. YOU alone can help me out of this pit of despair and hopelessness. I thought I was finally free from pain when I quit my job and left Joe (back in 2009), but then I came home to have to deal with me and walked into my daddy’s darkness in September of 2009.
Dear Somebody (ANYBODY) Who Cares,
I just felt a desperate need to reach out. The month of March felt like it swallowed me alive, and this is all that remains. April 1st seemed hopeful enough, but now, the 12th has arrived, and we are now approaching the middle of the month, and I feel a battle raging within my soul. I am fighting to survive some sort of depression. The Blues have been trying to consume me, yet I battle back. Daddy’s mood swings, his anger, his pain, his hostility, possessiveness, his control have taken their toll. I do my best to take good care of him, but he does no receive well, he only knows how to take. Does that make sense? A Taker vs. a Receiver? In any case, I need to get these feelings out of my body and share them with somebody who cares. I hope and pray each day I get stronger and more at peace as we continue to face each day not knowing what to expect from this horrid, horrid disease called cancer. Please pray for us.
I have read some wonderful pointers on this incredible site. I just need help in understanding why my father will not allow for anybody else to come in and help me? I have a conference scheduled for the end of the month, and this will really help me with networking and staying connected to other professionals in my previous line of work. It is also a means for me to get credentialed in said field. I have nieces and nephews who are willing to come and stay with him for those days I will be at the conference, which means I would only be gone for 6-7 days tops. Is this normal for a parent to do this to their child? I mean, is he really doing anything TO me by insisting that me, and only me (his youngest daughter) be the only one to care for him? How can I address this situation without showing any resentment, anger, frustration or even hatred? I am going on my 9th month of full time caretaking and medication management without one break. This is taking a huge toll on all my interpersonal relationships, especially with my fiancé who is being extremely patient and supportive, but for how much longer? I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to call off the wedding. How long does one put their life on hold? I love my papa so very much, but is asking for 7 days off (with a family member willing to come in and help) asking for too much?
All comments and suggestions welcome and appreciated.